I’m beginning to believe that one of the personal attributes required in order to attend college is enjoyment of pain and suffering inflicted by others. As always, teachers have chosen to put off midterms, final projects, and tests until the last two weeks of school. Seeing as I’m on the path to becoming an engineer, this math is relatively easy to understand, see if you can follow along.
length of quarter = 10 weeks middle of the term = 10 weeks/2 = 5 weeks actual midterm = 10 weeks 5 weeks = 10 weeks = FALSE
This simple flaw in mathematics has resulted in endless pain and suffering. The point of a midterm is to test students on material covered up to the middle of the term, while the final is designed to test students on the second half of the term. Of course, this assumes that teachers truly care about how much is absorbed by the students. This is called a variable, which is unfortunately completely uncontrollable.
So complain train aside, I have one picture to describe what today should have been. It seems that Tim Burton was destined to make Alice in Wonderland ever since the early days, where his films consisted of 5 minutes of meticulously shot claymation. While I was unable to see Alice today, I can’t help but wonder how Burton will utilize CGI while maintaining the sometimes crude, dark visual flare that has carved a place for some of his lowest budget films in top movie lists around the country. If George Romero, who created Night of the Living Dead before computers were relevant, can produce a deep and satisfying zombie movie nearly 40 years after the first film in the series was released, then I have hopes for Burton. Hopefully I’ll be able to put my suspicions aside for cold-hard fact by the end of next week. Until then, take the time to enjoy classic Burton.
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As of three days ago, a non-refundable plane ticket is ensuring my return to Japan. While I’m obviously excited about the excursion, I can’t help but be a little freaked out. Seven weeks in a foreign country is one thing, but six months is a completely different beast.
I’ve thought a lot about what exactly I’m afraid of, and while most of my fears revolve around the typical fear of failure or being disliked, there seems to be something a bit deeper.
We build ourselves around the people we love and care for. Our friends define us, from how we act to what clothes we wear. While I’m sure many scoff at this denial of complete individuality, I’m completely willing to admit that my friends and family play a large part in who I am. So what happens when these friends are gone? What happens when we are left with no-one but ourselves, new to a country, and unable to speak the language well. It’s not really the loneliness that I’m worried about; it’s my identity. Who am I without the normal people and things that make up my life? Am I really as interesting and outgoing as I think I am, or am I just playing a part? Who will I be when I return in September? The longest I’ve ever been away from home was seven weeks, during my first trip to Japan. Even though I was in foreign country, I still lived with a very close friend, but that won’t be happening this time around.
So why am I doing this? In many ways, my fears are the reason. While I’m scared to be away for so long, I can’t wait to experience Japan on such an in-depth level; I can’t wait to experience myself on such an in-depth level.
Now all seriousness aside; I’m only going back because there are stores like this.
I came to Japan with hopes of finding my ever elusive place in this world, and I thought that coming here would give me some perspective into what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. The experiences here have been amazing, and the previous six weeks have easily been the best six weeks of my life. I’ve met so many amazing people and have had so many amazing experiences. I’ve walked ten miles or so with my best friend, after missing the last train. I’ve danced all night long with skaters that I barely knew, and I’ve made friends from Japan, Mexico, England, Norway, the Netherlands, Taiwan, the Philippines, America, and Canada (I guess you could say Austria as well).
After all of these experiences there is one thing that I am even more sure of now than ever; I have no idea where I belong, what I want to do, or who I am. As much as I love Japan, I really do miss America and feel that it has more to offer me than this place does. The language barrier is such an extremely tall mountain to climb, and for a person who thrives on conversation and deep discussion, it’s rather painful. Also, from what I’ve seen, people work all day, drink all night, and repeat the same process the next day. Most are content with working 12 hour days six days a week. Perhaps it comes down to me being lazy, but the idea of being trapped in a suit and drudging off to the same office everyday seems quite frightening. Of course, I am being unfair to Japan and dishonest to you. I should mention the fact that the idea of any full time job scares the hell out of me, which is why the idea of living in the Japanese work culture is inconceivable to me.
I’m not sure what it is about work that scares me, and I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit. I’m under the presumption that I’m not a terribly lazy person, at least no more lazy than anyone else. I suppose the fact that I have the attention span that would rival that of a gold fish is the most likely reason. My interests change so frequently that it seems illogical to consider focusing solely on one field or job. I’ve heard from so many people that work isn’t meant to be fun or enjoyable, that it merely “sucks,” but I can’t let myself believe that this is the acceptable norm. Seeing as we spend one third of our adult life sleeping and one third of our life working, we are only left with eight ours of our day to pursue our own endeavors. Take into account the two hours that most spend in transit, hour that most spend preparing for their day or night and all of the other odds and ends, we are left with almost no time to do what we want. If the one third of our life dedicated to work is miserable, then why bother living it?
This realization was the easy part for me, but figuring out what to do about it continues to be the terribly difficult part. Most could say “I want to paint” or “I want to cook,” but those people have focus. Focus is something that I’ve been lacking since my first year of college, and I don’t see it returning anytime soon. I can’t conceive myself working in any kind of office, without sunshine, interesting people, or movement. I’d rather work in a bakery, or store, somewhere that requires movement and interaction. I’d love to go back to school for something interesting, and I guess that this is possible, but it will require a lot more part time work and a gigantic amount of debt that I am now without. It will also require that I am interested in something for more than five minutes, and this may actually be the deal breaker (even more so than the money issue).
Perhaps I’ve gotten the whole thing wrong. Perhaps it’s not something that I need but someone; I’ve also considered this to some extent. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that all of life’s problems can be solved with a relationship (rather obvious if you think about it). I merely think that relationships put things into perspective. Fortunately for me time is still on my side, even though my mind is not. It’s not as if I can pawn all of my worries about happiness and fulfillment off on a higher power, seeing as I don’t believe in one. It’s something that I’ve been having to deal with myself. One point of comfort is in knowing that so many people who I’ve met here feel the same way; some in fact merely wandered to Japan in hopes of adventure, without any real thought or plan behind it. I wish I could live life with this carefree mindset, but I tend to enjoy knowing where my next meal will come from and where I am going to sleep at night.
The whole time I’m having this inner debate, I find myself thinking “You’re 21, why are you thinking about these things? Why aren’t you out running around chasing girls or having fun? You’re too young to care about these things.” Either way, things usually end with me falling asleep and having paranoid dreams. At least I’ve found that reality is always far better than the twisted creations of the mind.
Til Kingdom Come
Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come
Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years
For you I’d wait ’til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you’ll come and set me free
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become
For you I’d wait ’til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you’ll come and set me free
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
So complain train aside, I have one picture to describe what today should have been. It seems that Tim Burton was destined to make Alice in Wonderland ever since the early days, where his films consisted of 5 minutes of meticulously shot claymation. While I was unable to see Alice today, I can’t help but wonder how Burton will utilize CGI while maintaining the sometimes crude, dark visual flare that has carved a place for some of his lowest budget films in top movie lists around the country. If George Romero, who created Night of the Living Dead before computers were relevant, can produce a deep and satisfying zombie movie nearly 40 years after the first film in the series was released, then I have hopes for Burton. Hopefully I’ll be able to put my suspicions aside for cold-hard fact by the end of next week. Until then, take the time to enjoy classic Burton.
