I came to Japan with hopes of finding my ever elusive place in this world, and I thought that coming here would give me some perspective into what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. The experiences here have been amazing, and the previous six weeks have easily been the best six weeks of my life. I’ve met so many amazing people and have had so many amazing experiences. I’ve walked ten miles or so with my best friend, after missing the last train. I’ve danced all night long with skaters that I barely knew, and I’ve made friends from Japan, Mexico, England, Norway, the Netherlands, Taiwan, the Philippines, America, and Canada (I guess you could say Austria as well).

After all of these experiences there is one thing that I am even more sure of now than ever; I have no idea where I belong, what I want to do, or who I am. As much as I love Japan, I really do miss America and feel that it has more to offer me than this place does. The language barrier is such an extremely tall mountain to climb, and for a person who thrives on conversation and deep discussion, it’s rather painful. Also, from what I’ve seen, people work all day, drink all night, and repeat the same process the next day. Most are content with working 12 hour days six days a week. Perhaps it comes down to me being lazy, but the idea of being trapped in a suit and drudging off to the same office everyday seems quite frightening. Of course, I am being unfair to Japan and dishonest to you. I should mention the fact that the idea of any full time job scares the hell out of me, which is why the idea of living in the Japanese work culture is inconceivable to me.

I’m not sure what it is about work that scares me, and I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit. I’m under the presumption that I’m not a terribly lazy person, at least no more lazy than anyone else. I suppose the fact that I have the attention span that would rival that of a gold fish is the most likely reason. My interests change so frequently that it seems illogical to consider focusing solely on one field or job. I’ve heard from so many people that work isn’t meant to be fun or enjoyable, that it merely “sucks,” but I can’t let myself believe that this is the acceptable norm. Seeing as we spend one third of our adult life sleeping and one third of our life working, we are only left with eight ours of our day to pursue our own endeavors. Take into account the two hours that most spend in transit, hour that most spend preparing for their day or night and all of the other odds and ends, we are left with almost no time to do what we want. If the one third of our life dedicated to work is miserable, then why bother living it?

This realization was the easy part for me, but figuring out what to do about it continues to be the terribly difficult part. Most could say “I want to paint” or “I want to cook,” but those people have focus. Focus is something that I’ve been lacking since my first year of college, and I don’t see it returning anytime soon. I can’t conceive myself working in any kind of office, without sunshine, interesting people, or movement. I’d rather work in a bakery, or store, somewhere that requires movement and interaction. I’d love to go back to school for something interesting, and I guess that this is possible, but it will require a lot more part time work and a gigantic amount of debt that I am now without. It will also require that I am interested in something for more than five minutes, and this may actually be the deal breaker (even more so than the money issue).

Perhaps I’ve gotten the whole thing wrong. Perhaps it’s not something that I need but someone; I’ve also considered this to some extent. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that all of life’s problems can be solved with a relationship (rather obvious if you think about it). I merely think that relationships put things into perspective. Fortunately for me time is still on my side, even though my mind is not. It’s not as if I can pawn all of my worries about happiness and fulfillment off on a higher power, seeing as I don’t believe in one. It’s something that I’ve been having to deal with myself. One point of comfort is in knowing that so many people who I’ve met here feel the same way; some in fact merely wandered to Japan in hopes of adventure, without any real thought or plan behind it. I wish I could live life with this carefree mindset, but I tend to enjoy knowing where my next meal will come from and where I am going to sleep at night.

The whole time I’m having this inner debate, I find myself thinking “You’re 21, why are you thinking about these things? Why aren’t you out running around chasing girls or having fun? You’re too young to care about these things.” Either way, things usually end with me falling asleep and having paranoid dreams. At least I’ve found that reality is always far better than the twisted creations of the mind.

Til Kingdom Come

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait ’til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you’ll come and set me free
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait ’til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you’ll come and set me free
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me